Mommy Dearest

August 9, 2006

If you intend on having children and have a history of anxiety or the inability to let go, please let me make you a suggestion. Either reconsider, or have more than one.

My darling mother, and I say this only with love, is absolutely insane. To start, I moved out of the house 7, count them, 7. years ago (with only a brief return between college graduation and employment) to be on my own. My mom, however, is still empty-nesting after losing me, her one and only offspring, as a roommate.

College Dorm
A memorable day, having to physically remove her from room 314 of Tower A. I am not exaggerating, force was needed to get her out, and a weekly "family" night was instilled to prove to her that Towson was just a zip code away. Its a good thing I turned down UNC and UMass. The mileage on her car would have been astronomical...

First Apartment
She fought the whole "apartment" thing until she was red in the face. I was simply too convincing, and also maybe daddy's little girl (yes, a perk of being an only child), so there was nothing she could do to fight it.

So, my sophomore year in college, I moved into an apartment, and in turn, the "rents" sold the house I grew up in because my mother could not bear the though of having all that space for just the two of them. She said she knew that once I was really on my own (dorm excluded) I would probably never come back. At one point, they even got a dog (my little Jersey) as a bribe for me to move back home. Win-win for me...I got the dog I'd begged for when I was nine, and I never moved home.

Huh. I can't IMAGINE why my overly protective, slightly (euphemism) crazed mother would think that living on my own would make me see the light...

My First House
Again, she battled and lost. Daddy/Daughter duo made the decision sans Mommy. And in January 05, I bought and moved into my first home.

This was a whole new realm of "She's never coming home" for her to deal with. I was gone, and this time, I was financially responsible for my own life. I think this made her realize I meant business.

So anyway, here I am, 7 years later, and you'd think I'd moved to Zimbabwe. I curse the cell phone and thank my lucky stars for caller id, solely because of mommy dearest. Why? Well...
If she calls the house and I don't answer, she'll call my cell phone. She won't leave a message....no. She will, however, continue to go back and forth between lines (so ultimately a phone somewhere is ringing forever) until she decides that I must be dead. During her attempted guilt trips, she tells me that she pictures me in a ditch, kidnapped, or malled by bears. Let's just say she's got a wild imagination.

She's even gone as far as dialing random extensions on my work line to try to find someone who might know where I was. The out of office message she got when she emailed me paired with the lack of return call by 10am might have led a detective to believe that I was home sick, sleeping, or simply taking a mental health day rather than the extremes her "logic" tends to take her.

When I tell her she's a lunatic (I think I used this word most recently when she cried after finally finding me) she says "Would you rather I just didn't care?" Umm, nooo...but ever hear of a compromise...a happy medium if you will? Or how about "Leave a message and I'll call you back!"

But you gotta love a mom that wants you to call to confirm your arrival (based on the pre-submitted itinerary) after a long road trip. Just don't underestimate the power of empty nest syndrome. And strongly consider having none or more than one...